每日joke转载
1、今天领导开会,让我们每人说一个梦想,正当大家侃侃而谈时,角落里的一个妹子弱弱的说道:我的梦想就是希望自己的身份证号码能出现在银行卡余额里。 2、同事A:怎么了,这么没精打采? 同事B:昨晚跟十几只蚊子聊了整整一夜,最后有七八只因为一言不合让我挨个拍死了。 3、一个便衣警察提醒同伴:“注意!要犯出现了!” 一个过路的老太太听了自言自语地说:“神经兮兮,出现一个两个要饭的,也值得大惊小怪?” 4、同事:领导,我不舒服,上午请个假啊! 领导:要紧吗?不用打针的话,吃点药到公司坚持坚持。。。 同事:当然要打针啊,估计得一上午。 领导:没忽悠我吧?下午来了我可要查针眼啊。 5、跟同事聊天开玩笑,聊到彩票,说如果中了头奖,将要怎么分配奖金…同事这货说:“首先要买辆汽车! ” 我说:“你不是没驾照吗? ” 同事:“我可以坐在车里,然后叫人抬我,谁让咱有钱。。。” 6、同事A:你家小宝宝怎么样? 同事B:这照顾孩子真不是件容易事。 同事A:有什么心得? 同事B:这婴儿就像一部新手机,待机时间极短,基本两个小时就得充电;需要购买大量周边配件;还需要自己慢慢摸索操作系统。 7、我给办公室一位女同事介绍对象。 A:我有个男同学,条件挺不错的,介绍给你吧? B:性格怎么样? A:挺温柔的,感情也很专一,适合你。 B:算了吧,我喜欢有霸气的,那样有安全感。 A:你就耗着吧,有霸气、有安全感,又对你忠心耿耿的那是藏獒。 8、两个同事在酒吧喝酒,A说:“老婆怄气不跟我说话了。” B:“你怎么得罪她了?” A:“她要去美容院,跟我要500块。” B:“你没给?” A:“给了,我给了她整五千。。。”
2020-07-30
51
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每日joke转载
1、推销员:“小朋友,你家需要买一个新的吸尘器吗?” 孩子:“不需要,你可以去问问隔壁,我知道他家该换一个新的吸尘器了。” 推销员:“你怎么知道的?” 孩子:“因为我们一直借用他家的吸尘器。” 2、在超市看到一个年轻妹子,朋友捅捅我:“你看,那里有一枚少女。” 我说:“少女的量词怎么是枚?” 朋友说:“感觉很精致不是吗?少女本就是精致的生物呀。” 我茅塞顿开,深有同感地点点头。 不久朋友捅捅我:“你看,那里有一坨妇女。” 3、我:这风好大啊! 老爸:嗯,外边的树都刮倒了。 我:看谁家的灯笼都刮跑了呵呵。 老爸:哎!不对啊!我们咋能看到外边啊!?!? 我:Cao!咱家门呢?!?! 4、“您好,开门查水表。” “水表在外面。” “您好,我是快递公司的,有你的包裹。” “我没买过东西。你送错了。” “您好,我们公司搞了个活动,你是我们公司的幸运客户,中了2000元的奖品。” “我不要奖品,就帮我捐给贫困山区吧!” “卧槽,爆破一组准备。。。” 5、周末,到某大酒店挥霍,看菜都不够贵,问服务员:“你们这儿有贵的菜么?” 服务员:“您往后翻那生猛海鲜比较贵。” 翻到最后一页看到一个八位数的菜,跟服务员说这菜给我来四份。 服务员看了一眼说:“那是我们的订餐电话!” 6、本人兼职老师一枚,那天和闺蜜在公交车上,闺蜜问“你现在兼职一月拿多少钱?” “看课多课少了,想赚钱就使劲接课,接的课越多赚得就多~但就是没法休息,太累,怕身体受不了” “你一天最多接多少课?” “看时间。。。” 突然发现周围好多人瞪大眼睛看着我!!!! 我恍然大悟,各位我说的是接课不是接客。。。 7、一女同事问:有什么恐怖片吗?推荐一下。 一男同事答:你可以自己照镜子! 女说:我要那种看着既恐怖又特别恶心的! 男淡定的回答:你可以一边吃屎一边照镜子。 我勒个去,你两有仇???
2020-07-29
46
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每日joke转载
1、“美女,我们这房子实用率超高,80平米做的小三房(三居室),真的很适合您!” “适合你大爷,你才小三!” 2、刚看见一个摩的,加上骑车的一共四个人,已经严重超载了。 在过十字路口的时候,交警让他停下,雷人的摩的师傅来了一句:“坐不下了。”开着车就走了。 3、一个人在大街上被汽车撞倒了,马上就有一群人围观。 那个人神情恍惚地坐起来说:“我这是在哪里呀?” 一个街头摊贩说,“先生,本地地图 ,5块钱一张!” 4、梦见自己加入了一个特工组织。 考官一脸严肃地告诉我:“做特工的人,必须相貌平凡,让人看上一眼都记不住长什么样子。你的成绩排名第二,是唯一合格的人。” 我问他们成绩第一的怎么没被录取? 考官回答说面试后所有人都忘了他长什么样子了。。。 5、乘客:请问到XX的硬座票还有吗? 售票员:有。 乘客:那卧铺呢? 售票员:没有。 乘客:那我要张硬座吧。 售票员:没有了。 6、有个酒鬼有天到别人家喝酒,喝在兴头上,对客人们说:“你们凡是路远的,只管先回去吧,不要再陪着我了。” 客人们听他这样说,都散去了,只有主人陪着他继续喝。 这人对主人说:“你也路远,先回吧,别陪我了。” 主人说:“我是这里的主人,现在只有我一个人陪你了。” 这人说:“你还要回卧室去睡,我今天就在这酒桌上睡了。” 7、一男到餐馆吃饭,他跟老板娘说:“给我来碗牛肉素面条,稀稀的不带汤。” 老板娘就去给他报饭去了。 等了一会,厨师拎了一把菜刀出来了:“你来给老子说下怎么做,来!”
2020-07-28
52
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